judgment

I shiver as hundreds of cars whiz by, just feet in front of me, splattering dirty snow along the side of the road. The weight of my backpack strains my neck causing my shoulders to cramp.

Ah, I roll my head around in a circle to relive the tightness 

as I spot the tall silhouette of the bus on the morning horizon.

 

The four other commuters standing with me step up to the curb and board ahead of me.

“Morning.” I nod to the driver as I flash my bus pass.

Thank goodness it’s so warm in here today.

It’s always the same people that I ride with. The high school kids, grad students, and nurses from the hospital on our route are all so predictable, so unfriendly, so wrapped in their own cares.

The young girl in front of me grins sheepishly as her thumbs race across the keypad on her phone. I’m surprised that her little friends would be up so early, but maybe she’s texting her boyfriend. She’s so young. The sullen man at the front with dirt engrained into his fingernails and clothes stares blankly out at the misty morning.

As I shuffle through my favorite playlists and slide my ear buds into my ears I notice a boy in front of me. He sits still and straight, almost rigid in his gray pea coat.

His hands are folded in his lap so neatly.

I notice that his nails look dark and then I realize they’re painted.

Understanding comes over me as he curiously turns his head and peeks back at me.

The royal purple of his decorative scarf is a compliment to his violet nail polish and sparkly eye shadow.

My gaze on him freezes in abhorrence and disgust.

How sickening! How could anyone act like that,

or dress like that,

or think

or believe like that!

I must have had hidden my venomous thoughts from my expression because then he smiled at me.

Not a give cheesy grin, or a sly smirk, but rather a half smile. A look of desperate want, it was as if he was asking me for some sort of affirmation or kindness.

He was begging me to suspend my condemnation.

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged.

For in the same way you judge others,

you will be judged,

and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye?

How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’

when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?

You hypocrite,

first take the plank out of your own eye,

and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."

 ~Matthew 7:1-5

Remorse struck me in my gut. I had no love for him. 

I had cast him into the fiery abyss of Sodom and Gomorrah as if I were God himself.

And in that weak smile of his, in those hurting eyes that looked back at me, I saw him as I think Jesus sees him. A self –destructive, wandering lamb.

"All of us like sheep have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; 

but the Lord has caused the iniquity of us all to fall on Him[self]." ~Isaiah 53:6

My terror was complete as I sank back into my seat;

This is how God must also see me.

I am the wicked, sinning girl who Jesus gave his life for that I might be spared the pain of my sins.

Oh Lord,

thank you for your unconditional love,

for your selfless plan to save me from my wayward self.

I pray that you might open the eyes of my heart to share the gift of your love

to my fellow wallowing sheep.