a new year

The timer for the brownies beeps, pulling me off my comfy spot on the couch. 

The warmth of the oven feels good on my icy fingers as I carefully slide hot pan onto the kitchen counter. 

As I shuffle back to the couch with my piece of chocolately goodness I decide to flip through my journal. 

It’s a New Year’s tradition of mine. I used to keep a journal that I’d write in almost every day. 

I start reading in 2001 and I chuckle at myself. The things I thought about, the things I did and the way I felt about it all are so different than they are now. 

As I skim through the last decade I see myself changing. I'm reminded of my feelings, hopes, dreams and passions. I'm astonished to see how so many of my goals have been accomplished, how so many dreams have changed, and so many desires remain the same. 

Some entries brought back a sense of excitement and pride in growing up.

“Today was a nice day. It was the first time I ever wore makeup to church.

(Makeup is fun to wear, but a pain to remove!)” ~December 2002

Growing up is so fascinating to me. Little joys in life that are so important at the time, become so insignificant and forgotten so soon. Likewise, all that remains of the frustrations and difficulties that brought worrying and sadness are just ink on the page now.  

Gratitude and joy well up in my soul as I read about all of my friends past, present and continuing. I am so blessed as I see that so many of my friendships have transformed, grown and thrived.  

“We spent last night with the Darlings. It was jolly fun.” ~January 1, 2004

I think back fondly of times spend laughing and crying with so many different friends. Some have moved so far, others are still in town but far away in spirit, and some are closer and more dear to me now than ever.

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity. ~Proverbs 17:17

And as I read through the years I am astonished by my changing perspectives on life and trials I’ve been presented with over the years.

“Grandma has just moved in with us.

 Alzheimers is such a small insignificant word to describe the tragic loss of a person’s life.” 

~January 2009

Grandma’s move to Colorado was a monumental for both her and the rest of the family. Those first few months in 2009 were a struggle for all of us. We learned about Alzheimer’s disease by drinking out of a fire hose that winter. Those first three months living with grandma felt like three years to me. 

Now three years later that time seems like a dot on the horizon of my rear view mirror. I love my grandmother so much. 

She has taught me about unconditional love, something that I previously had no concept of. I have learned this not because of how I love her, but because of how she loves me. Whenever I see her I am sure to be greeted with hugs, kisses and encouraging words. I have not only benefited from her love toward me, but I see the joy and comfort she brings to every confused Alzheimer's patient and I'm amazed by the smiles and laughter she brings to her tired and stressed caregivers. 

I always get sentimental this time of year. I love to set goals for myself and dream about what the future may bring. Every year is so different from the last. I learned some great lessons this year.

The most important of which is that 

nothing ever goes as planned.

I think back with self pity at the things that went wrong with last year. None of my New Year’s resolutions stuck and so many of my hopes and plans for 2011 remain in their fictitious state. But it’s then in my hopeless state of self pity that I remember some of the best days of the year in 2011. 

If you had asked me what would be my best memories in 2011 I never would have imagined that breaking my foot would be on the list. It was the most physically crippling thing I have ever experienced. Yet, through it, the love that I experienced brings back my fondest memories of last year.  

I can barely remember the frustration of my cars breaking down. Instead, I cherish memories of the seven am car rides to school with my mom.

I recall the uncontrollable tears I shed in September as I gave Karalyn a goodbye hug in front of her dorm in Florida, but not as well as I remember the giddy excitement that surged through my tired legs as I ran through the airport at midnight this December to tackle her with a welcome home hug.

Who knows what will happen this year. 

They always say, a lot can happen in a year.

I’m not making any resolutions this year. That is very against my tradition. Instead I am choosing a word. 

This word is so important and powerful that I will filter every day through it this year. 

This word will represent my decisions, my attitude and hopefully my actions. 

This word is so important because not because of what it means, but because of who it refers to. 

A word that’s chosen to represent an entire year demands careful thought before it is chose and utmost respect after it has been named.

JESUS

That will be my word,

my mascot, my filter,

my hope,

my LOVE,

 in 2012.

For you know the plans I have for you, “declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

~Jeremiah 29:11