Andalucia, Spain Budget Travel Diary

musings of a young girl with a career.

I’ve been searching for my writer’s voice for a long time now. I've been a wedding blogger, a faith blogger, a motivational blogger, a movie review blogger. Anything that captivates my thoughts and interests I have written about.

The only significant thing in my life that I’ve never said anything about is my career. This struck me as especially peculiar. I spend all day, all week doing my job. Some days it challenges me to learn new things, and from it I generate enough money to provide for myself and have quite a bit of fun. It’s really satisfying to talk to people at parties or when I’m getting my hair done at the salon, because when they ask where I work I get to say, “I’m a TV producer."

I’m very proud of what I do. I work hard at it and take a lot of responsibility for the product that I produce. Even so, there are days I feel like my job sounds a thousand times better than it is. I even occasionally feel a pang of envy when I log into Facebook and see old college classmates anchoring evening newscasts. In Sheryl Sandberg’s book “Lean In” she talks about how the work force is no longer a ladder but a jungle gym. Sometimes I see myself swinging along with my peers on the monkey bars. Other times I’m afraid I’ve been laying around in the sandbox by myself for too long. I’m never sure how to describe what it is that I do.

Its odd, after a couple years of answering the “what do you do” question you would think that I would have narrowed it down to the most fascinating power-punch answer. Every time I reply I find myself racking my brain for the coolest possible thing to say. Why do I feel the need to impress? I guess we all want to be accepted. Impressing people is a part of that acceptance process. If we have something interesting that people want then they’re more likely to include us in their lives. So for now, my job is the thing that I use to try to impress people and be accepted.

I’ve made some pretty hairy mistakes and I’ve met some pretty cool people so far. Its been an incredible learning experience to stand by and listen to my boss converse with leaders in every imaginable industry for the last three years. Even more powerful has been my more recent experience of gaining confidence in my voice and ability to have conversations of my own. The morning I got to chat with a female lawyer at a breakfast event was so encouraging. She is the only female partner in her office. "People say you have to choose family or career, as if its a one time choice. But for me I choose each day. One day I choose to spend time with my children after school and the next day I decide to take an extra meeting and work a little late. Each day. That's how I find balance." she explained to me.

 The hours I spend sitting at my desk hammering away at my keyboard all run together. If you look at one particular day or keystroke, it seems insignificant. Once you compile all of those days and all of those keystrokes, they become the story of a girl finding her voice and finding her dreams. Yes, finding dreams. Not just chasing them, because... Dreams are not stationary things that we can set our eyes upon. Rather they are evolving impressions of the things we want.

striking stars and learning lessons

In my work I’ve been blessed to meet more than a handful of famous people. Some are names that everyone knows like Secretary of State Madeleine Albright and NFL legend John Elway. Some of my most favorite star encounters are with the less well known like Ambassador Husain Haqqani or CEO Keryn James. 

On the first week of my internship I was thrown into a world of famous people. We were in Colorado at the Aspen Institute’s Ideas Festival. Speakers gather from around the world to discuss their ideas about current social and economic issues and debate the merits of solutions they conceive. Before we got there my boss opened the conference schedule online started listing the names of who we wanted to interview. I grabbed a pen and started putting notes by each name he mentioned. “Okay," he said, "start making some phone calls now.” What? I must have missed something. He didn’t give me any of their phone numbers. Who has the CEO of Starbucks or the President of Pakistan’s phone number anyways?
What I've learned is that not only can these untouchable people be found and contacted, but most of them will say ‘hi’ to you if you pass them on the sidewalk. My boss’s gregarious demeanor, his vast knowledge and his resume of former show guests encourage people to listen and respond when we invite them to be on the show. He taught me what number to call first and what to say to the gatekeepers to quickly show your competence and get their interest. Mostly what I’ve learned from Aaron is the importance of being nice to everyone. Whether he is greeting a member of the President’s cabinet on the sidewalk or thanking the girl filling the fruit tray at the buffet table, he treats everyone with respect. At first I was so afraid and intimidated by the people we were interviewing. I think it took me a few trips of being ‘star struck’ before I became more comfortable.

 When you walk into a situation feeling less than someone else, it doesn’t matter if that’s true or not. Your impression is what you will act upon. 

 There were a few factors that helped me to be more comfortable. My knowledge of my work and the show helped a lot. Also, the more I was in intimidating situations the more confident I became. But as usual, Aaron made the biggest impression on me. We walked down the path in Aspen one day and spotted a couple people chatting in the shade. I didn’t know either of them but assumed that Aaron did, he knew everyone there. We shook hands, exchanged business cards and Aaron talked with them about some humanitarian project. As we walked away, Aaron said, “Do you know who that was?” No, I replied. “It was actor Stanley Tucci and his fiancée Felicity Blunt.“   They didn’t know either Aaron or I at all. By being friendly we were able to have a nice conversation with them. I learned later that not only did Aaron not know them, but he didn't know half of the people he had been talking to the entire trip.
 Famous people stand around in regular pants and shoes and talk to people about the news while drinking their coffee. If you’re well informed, confident and friendly you can have intelligent conversations with anyone.  

f e l l o w s h i p

Fellowship. What does that mean to you?

Is it talking to the person sitting next to you in church for five minutes before service starts; or maybe going to lunch with some friends from church on Sunday afternoon? Maybe you take fellowship a step deeper and you pray from someone from Sunday school on your way to work Monday morning.

I've been learning over the last few months that true fellowship is so much more. 

“And if I have a faith that can move mountains, 

but do not have love, I am nothing.” 

~1 Cor 13:2

You have to love,

to serve, 

to suffer, 

to laugh, 

share your spiritual gifts, 

share your possessions, 

but before anything else you have to have fellowship with God.

So all the time you spend making meals for the hungry, or singing songs in the choir, or giving money to the poor or having game night with your friends is nothing, actually it’s not even possible without God.

The moment I realized that, it hit me so hard.

I spent over three months learning how I to have better fellowship with my friends and family. I spent a fair amount of that time patting myself on the back, because after all, I did so many good things. And once I found an area that I needed to grow in, I applied myself to it and became a better person! 

I was doing great.

I was pondering my recent spiritual growth late one night, jotting down notes, favorite passages and chapters from the book “True Community” by Jeff Bridges and in review I went to the table of contents for the book and chapter 2 made me stop in my tracks. “Union with God” it said.

And upon realizing my selfish folly and vain self-importance I fell off of my high horse and into the ever forgiving and amazingly understanding Savior. And Jesus reminded me,

“I am the vine; 

you are the branches.

 If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit;

apart from me you can do nothing.” 

~John 15:5

HIS strength in my WEAKNESS

She closed her eyes and drew a deep breath of the sultry summer air. The humidity caused the folds of her ornate maroon gown to cling to her legs and she sat on the palace balcony overlooking the kingdom which was hers. The immense pressure of being Queen weighed on her heart. How she had gotten here she still didn't fully know. It all seemed like a dream; a dream from which she never woke.

Every morning her maids were at her beckoned called to serve her, dress her and brief her on the duties of the day. And her husband, whom she loved with all of her heart, was always gone. The reality of what life would be like as the wife of a king had never occurred to her.

Back in the beginning, the idea of even appearing before His Majesty with the other young maidens of the kingdom had intimidated her. In those early days as the months of her beauty preparations she had seen hundreds of girls rejected and sent away by the king. She always thought that she’d be the next girl to be told to gather her things and leave by the side door. But that fateful year of preparation finally came to an end and her one night with the king had gone better than she ever could have imagined.

Looking back now, she still couldn't believe that the king had chosen her over all of the other beautiful maidens. It gave her a sense of pride and self-worth.  His love for her was certain. How many times he had offered half of his kingdom to her she couldn't count. Never did she doubt his love, but never did she feel fully worthy of it. In her soul, she still feared the man she called husband.

It was that fear that now strangled her heart and caused her lavishly adorned fingers to tremble.

Uncle Mordecai had written her a letter with news that made her feel faint. The Jews, her people, were going to be persecuted, and she, as Queen was their best, their only hope. The blood of thousands of innocent lives would be on her hands, if she couldn't save them. The thought of failure in securing the kings favor was crippling.  

She had not been open with her husband. She feared for her life. He was a strong king and a hard ruler. And Esther had read the history books filled with stories of many a Persian queen who had found herself headless when on the wrong side of their king.

Through the years of their marriage so many times she had wanted to tell him the truth about her heritage, but in her heart she lacked trust. The stakes of trusting King Xerxes to love her enough to accept her Jewish roots were too high.

But now she had been pushed into a corner. She could no longer cower in the dark and hope against all hopes that the storm would pass. She had to turn and face her fear, the fear of certain death.

She didn't know what made her rise to meet her fate. An imperceptible force seemed to be pushing her closer to the king’s chambers as her feet, heavy as clay stones, glided silently along the alabaster palace floors.

She knew it could only be her heavenly Father. Fasting and prayer for the last two days had made her physically weak so that should could only lie in her bed and weep to God. As she approached the guarded doors to the banquet hall time stopped. Glimpses of her childhood flashed through her mind like strikes of lighting. Countless memories of the times she’d spent with her Aunt and Uncle studying the writings of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob brought strength and purpose to her heart. What could be more holy calling? Of all his beloved peoples, God had chosen her and she felt His strength so powerful in her weakness.

“I can do all things through Him who strengthens me”  

~Phil 4:13

And with a faith that could move mountains she shoved open the doors and went to do what God had called her to do.

“…so the king and Haman went to Queen Esther’s banquet, and as they were drinking wine on the second day, the king again asked, “Queen Esther, what is your petition? It will be given to you. What is your request? Even up to half the kingdom, it will be granted.” 

Then Queen Esther answered, 

“If I have found favor with you, Your Majesty, and if it pleases you, grant me my life – this is my petition. And spare my people – this is my request. For I and my people have been sold to be destroyed, killed and annihilated. If we had merely been sold as male and female slaves, I would have kept quiet, because no such distress would justify disturbing the king.”

~Esther 7:1-4

“Esther again pleaded with the king, falling at his feet and weeping. She begged him to put an end to the evil plan of Haman the Agagite, which he had devised against the Jews. Then the king extended the gold scepter to Esther and she arose and stood before him. Then the king extended the gold scepter to Esther and she arose and stood before him. If it pleases the king, she said, and if he regards me with favor and thinks it the right thing to do, and if he is pleased with me, let an order be written overruling the dispatches that Haman son of Hammedatha, the Agagite, devised and wrote to destroy the Jews in all the king’s provinces. For how can I bear to see disaster fall on my people? How can I bear to see the destruction of my family?’” 

~Esther 8:3-6

"Now write another decree in [my] the king’s name in behalf of the Jews as seems best to you [Esther], and seal it with the king’s signet ring – for no document written in the king’s name and sealed with his ring can be revoked…”

“At once the royal secretaries were summoned – 

on the twenty-third day of the third month, the month of Sivan. 

They wrote out all Mordecai’s orders to the Jews, and to the satraps, governors and nobles of the 127 provinces… 

When Mordecai left the king’s presence, he was wearing royal garments of blue and white, a large crown of gold and a purple robe of fine linen. 

And the city of Susa held a joyous celebration…

~Esther 8:8-9, 15

And so Esther of Susa, 
meek and unimportant, 
was called by God 
and empowered with His strength 
to save her people 
the Jews. 

Don't let YOUR situation or circumstances 
dictate what you can or cannot do because, 

"Nothing is impossible with God." ~Luke 1:32

woman of GOD

She almost didn't recognize the reflection she saw in her vanity. 

Her long dark hair was intricately braided and adorned with little jewels. The glow in her cheeks turned them a soft pink and the anticipation of the night shone in her eyes like fire.

It had been a long journey leading up to this night. It would be a year ago tomorrow that she had been summoned. How differently she viewed life and love now. When she first came to this place she had been so naïve, and frightened. In her homesickness she had cried herself to sleep every night for the first month.

Everything here had been so strange to her back then. The splendor and majesty had intimidated her. 

She knew that she wasn't alone in her feelings. Sometimes when the night breeze played with the chiffon curtains she could hear the soft whimpering of another girl in a room down the hall. At first, hearing the pitiful sobs of a fellow lonely soul would stir her own feelings of abandonment and bring fresh tears to her big brown eyes. But as the months passed the tears stopped flowing so easily. 

It was so strange that they were all here trying to compete for the affection of one man. How humbling it was spending days upon end with scores of beautiful women all eager to please the same King...and only one would be named his Queen. One of hundreds would feel honor and distinction; her peers would feel the bitter pang of rejection.

Tonight was the night she’d been preparing for these long twelve months. 

All of the beauty treatments, the pampering, the careful diets, regimented schedule, etiquette education, everything had been building up to this moment.  

As terrifying as this moment was, she had the peace of God in her heart. Jehovah had brought her to this apex in her life. He would carry her through. 

She was confident of that. But her heart quickened and a pang of fear gripped her pure heart when she heard the tapping of footsteps against the cold stone palace floor.

“Esther of Susa, the King is ready for you.”

She still started at that name. Esther. It was the woman she had become in this year. Where was the timid girl Hadassah that had come here so many sleepless nights ago?

What if the King did not find her suitable? Then all would be for naught. Dwelling on these thoughts had robbed her of her confidence. No matter, the time was now. She would sink or soar and she trusted her fate to the Father of her people.

With a deep breath, she adjusted her necklace with a trembling hand and rose to follow the King’s aide to the very chambers of the King of Persia.

“Now when the turn came for Esther the daughter of Abihail the uncle of Mordecai, who had taken her as his daughter, to go in to the king, she requested nothing but what Hegai the king’s eunuch, the custodian of the women, advised. 

And Esther obtained favor in the sight of all who saw her. So Esther was take to King Ahasuerus, into his royal palace, in the tenth month, which is the month of Tebeth, 

in the seventh year of his reign. 

The king loved Esther more than all the other women and she obtained grace and favor in his sight more than all the virgins; so he set the royal crown upon her head and made her queen instead of Vashti. Then the king made a great feast,

 the Feast of Esther, for all his officials and servants; and he proclaimed a holiday in the provinces and gave gifts according to the generosity of a king.”

~Esther 2:15-18

cries of David

All day the hot Middle Eastern sun had beaten down on the barren terrain like a 

fire scorching the bottom of a kettle. 

From the rising to the setting of the Israeli sun, the vastness of the desert seemed uninhabitable and devoid of life. The forced quiet that the hot summer day brought upon the people of the land seemed like a hateful display of the power it held over of their lives. No one dared venture out during the middle of the day, lest they scald the soles of their feet.

The contrast of that eerie daytime quiet to the 

perfect silence of the night struck David as he sat on a rock looking over his flock.

A blanket of coolness swept across the land and whispered in the breeze. This was his favorite time of day. As he glanced across the grazing sheep looking out for the danger that lurked around every tree his mind went wild. He’d worry about his sheep, remembering the lamb that he’d lost to that bear last week. How thoughtless he had been to let that happen. It hurt him to think that little creature had suffered due to his own negligence.

He worried about his friend, dear Jonathan. 

What most people probably thought was the charmed life of a Prince was really not. Few people understood the pressure that poor Jonathan felt from his father the King.

Those and a million other worries would start pooling up in his mind. These worries would start like a slow drip of water falling into the depths of a well. As they hit the bottom, each drip would resonate louder than the first until all David could hear was the echoing of a thousand anxious worries.

It was times like this that David yearned for good advice. Who could tell him how to be there for his friend Jonathan?

As he searched the shadows for wild animals that threatened he and his sheep, he yearned to have a Shepherd watching over him.

And after fretting and mulling things over in his troubled heart David would finally call out to God in Heaven.

“Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink; deliver me from those who hate me, from the deep waters. Do not let the flood waters engulf me or the depths swallow me up or the pit close its mouth over me. Answer me, LORD, out of the goodness of your love; in your great mercy turn to me. Do not hide your face from your servant; answer me quickly, for I am in trouble. Come near and rescue me; deliver me because of my foes.”

~Psalm 69:14-18

And then, out of nowhere, a peace would come over him, like a blanket wrapped around a shivering child. The peace of God would hold his heart with a strength and love that took his breath away. And he would cry out to the Father again,

 “As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more… Since my youth, God, you have taught me, and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds. Even when I am old and gray do not forsake me, my God… Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths  Of the earth your will again bring me up… My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you – I whom you have delivered.”

~Psalm 70:14, 17, 18, 20, 23

With a heart full of peace he’d look up at the myriads of stars and he’d wonder at majesty that God displayed in the skies. To think that such an awesome and powerful God loved him and cared for his woes overwhelmed him.

“Praise be to the LORD God, the God of Israel, who alone does marvelous deeds. 

Praise be to his glorious name forever; may the whole earth be filled with his glory. 

Amen and Amen.

~Psalm 72:18-19

Godliness with contentment...

...is great gain.

It was five o’clock finally. Another day was on the time clock and another evening of dinner and tv about to commence. No wife, no girlfriend, heck, he didn't even have a dog. Work was boring. It was just a dead end job, not a real career. But he didn't know what kind of career he wanted to have.

Choose a job you love, and you will 

never have to work a day in your life. 

~Confucius

He started thinking about things that he loved. As he went down the list in his head he tried to think of related jobs he could apply for. It was already getting late though and it was back to work early tomorrow morning so he’d have to think about applying for those jobs later. How could he go back to that mundane job for another 8 hour shift?

That night in bed the covers just kept getting tangled, the pillows wouldn't fluff right and his soft mattress felt like a park bench. This wasn't the first sleepless night he’d had. His eyes glazed over and the red digits on his alarm clock went out of focus and blended together into a red glow. Faint vibrating from his phone snapped him out of his daze. Rolling over to the other side of his bed he swung his arm down to see who was texting.

hey buddy. read this verse and was encouraged. jus wanted to pass it on. do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ~phil 4:6

He breathed out deeply and set the phone back on the floor. He and his accountability partner had been texting each other daily with encouragement from the Word. It was great because it helped him to focus on learning something from his daily devotions and it was always interesting to hear what his friend had learned.

Folding his hands across his chest he contemplated the words on the screen. Until this point, it hadn't struck him how anxious he’d become. But God couldn't really take that anxiety away. A little prayer probably wouldn't hurt though.

Dear God…he said in his head…what is it you want me to do? Show me; tell me; lead me; direct me; guide me. I want to give it up for You, but I don’t know how to do that.

He sat in silence. 

Half not knowing what to say next, 

half wishing he would hear his phone 

vibrating with a text from God.

Nothing happened.

Agh, he sighed. He knew what he really wanted. He couldn't give it up to God. I mean he still wanted it. He couldn't imagine ever not wanting it. How then could he lie to God about not wanting it anymore? He couldn't even lie to himself about not wanting it.

But then, for some reason, (could it have possibly have been the prayer?) a peace swept over his heart.

The anxiety that had been oppressing him for months melted away like last night’s snow on the driveway.

In his head he could hear the preacher reciting, 

“In all your ways acknowledge HIM and 

HE will make your paths straight.” 

~Proverbs 3:6

Countless times had he heard this message in Sunday morning service. 

Never did he truly understood what it meant to acknowledge God. 

Until now.

Acknowledging 

God’s sovereignty, HIS omniscience, 

HIS omnipotence, and HIS love 

didn't mean giving up his desires. 

He didn’t have to lie to himself and “give up His desire for a ____”, he just had to acknowledge that God knew better how to give him the desire of his heart. 

This realization was so stunning it took his breath away. 

Before he even realized it, he was fast asleep in the peace of God which passes all understanding.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge HIM and he will make your paths straight.” ~Proverbs 3:5-6

finding love

She sat on the edge of her bed. 

The last few beams of Sunday afternoon sun warmed the part of the bedspread she laid her head back on. Staring up at the ceiling she wondered what she had done wrong. Numbness settled in her chest. Her heart cramped. Sunlight faded into blackness and the clean brightness faded into a calm black. 

The world around her stopped. I shouldn't have said that. 

I knew, I should have waited. Or should I have been more outgoing sooner?

Little hints she’d been dropping for weeks, and he never seemed to notice. Finally, she had done something drastic. But she hadn't done it unprovoked. He had asked her, well basically he had. 

Had he? Maybe he didn't. Had she ruined it?

Of course she had. 

But what option was there. Things just couldn't have kept going on the way they were.

Every time that other girl talked to him hopelessness and fear filled her head. 

Then those feelings became a callous, a wall that she put up. 

That wall that was more like a dam, holding back the waters of her love, had been cracking for weeks, months. Anger also resided behind that wall. Anger towards the other girls he talked to, resentment towards him for not liking her and worse of all, 

anger towards herself and the feelings that she had for him.

Then the walls had ripped open. 

he bricks of her wall hadn’t been able to withstand the emotional pressure any longer.

She told him how she felt. She made the fatal first move. Things were different now. 

How could they not be?

It’s so scary to put yourself out on the line like that. That was the beginning of the end. Tears welled up in her eyes. Her tear laden mascara slid down her cheek and tainted the pink of her bedspread making black little spots. She mourned the loss. The loss of her pride, the loss of her future hopes and dreams, which was worse?

“A lady’s imagination is very rapid;

 it jumps from admiration to love, 

from love to matrimony in a 

moment.” 

Jane Austen

Just as the washer machine had washed out the black stains in her bedspread leaving faint gray spots, the pain in her heart also faded. Next time she’d do things differently. She had learned to be more careful with her heart.

Her whole life she’d been taught about purity and told to guard it. It wasn't always easy to do in the world she grew up in. With the help of the Lord she had been pure her whole life. Or had she?

Never until now had she understood that there was more than one meaning of purity and more than one way to be impure. Purity of heart was something she had never even considered. Her thoughts and emotions had strayed from reality. Letting her emotions run wild had been fun. Playful daydreaming had turned into curious hoping, and through the course of time that had turned into an unrealistic expectation for the future.

But, don’t worry about her. She’ll be alright. She’s resilient. There might be parts of her heart missing but there is no hole there that the Father can’t fill. In fact, if you were to ask her today if she could do it all over again, she wouldn't change anything.

It wasn't fate, or karma that certain things had happened, it was providence. There were some lessons that HE knew she could never learn by reading in a book, or hearing from a friend. HE had wanted to protect her and keep her from hurting her heart, but she had chosen to walk away from HIM. Every step that she had taken punctured HIS heart. 

“We all, like sheep, 

have gone astray, 

each of us has turned to our own way…” 

~Isaiah 53:6

But finally, when the path she was treading had gotten rocky and come to a dead end 

she turned back to the Father.

And when she saw HIM, what did she see? 

Was it a scolding, ‘I told you so’ frown, or a wrinkled ‘I love you’ crease across HIS brow?“

“We love because HE first loved us.” 

~1 John 4:19

Who is this girl? She’s a self-conscious sixteen year old with red hair. Actually, she’s a Senior in college with deep yearning blue eyes. Or maybe she’s the ‘has-been’ mother of four sitting alone watching the news every night.

This girl is every girl.

Who is her Father?

He is EVERY girl’s FATHER, King Jesus.

I've never written about this because I've honestly \been afraid to. Maybe that’s why I haven’t written in a while. I always write best when I write what’s on my heart, and I guess this has been on my heart for a while. 

I pray by reading this someone can know that they don’t suffer alone, or know that it’s time to talk to someone, or be grateful for the love that they do have in their life, because we all have love…

“and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled 

to the measure of all the fullness of God.” 

Ephesians 3:19

a lifetime

Sir you have 90 seconds.

Sweat gathered on his brow threatening to sting his eyes and the dampness on his spine trickled down the small of his back. His stomach was tight with nerves which his deep breaking did little to calm.

Nothing in his vast career of public speaking had prepared him for this moment.

Opposition was stifling, and yet the necessity of the task before him gave him the resolve he needed to say what they were not ready to hear.

The title “Great Communicator” seemed to mock him now. So many powerful words had he uttered with passion, purpose and so much success had they reaped for him. Now what kind of communicator would he become?

He’d never forget the moment he asked Nancy to marry him.

Personal moments like that meant nothing to the public. They’re trite, experienced by everyone, nothing individual or extraordinary.

But nothing he’d ever said after that had affected his life in as impactful a way.

Similarly, those words exchanged at one in the morning in the darkness of the kitchen with his son Ron were the some of the ones he remembered most vividly.

His public speeches had immortalized him:

“You and I have a rendezvous with destiny.

We will preserve for our children this, the last best hope of man on earth,

or we will sentence them to take the first stop into a thousand years of darkness.

 If we fail, at least our children and our children’s children say of us

we justified our brief moment here.

We did all that could be done.”

~October 27, 1964

“No arsenal or no weapon in the arsenals of the world is so formidable as

the will and moral courage of free men and women.”

~January 20, 1981

Inspiring, persuasive, and well spoken, this is who he was; what the world would remember him for. Posterity would remember his legacy as a world leader, and then after many generations, they would still remember the words he said.

“Mr. Gorbachev, tear down

this wall.”

 ~June 12, 1987

 And as memorable and profound as his words may be, they were not the ones he cherished.

More important to him were the words that had been spoken to him. The lectures he’d received as a young boy from his father now shone as a beam from a lighthouse, guiding him in the dark of night through the treacherous sea of life. Later in life, while sitting over countless cups of tea, his mentors had imparted to him decades of wisdom gained through their experiences.

Stored in his mind were thousands of secrets.

He could never forget the look on his 9 year old brother Neil’s face that night when he admitted that he was afraid of the dark.

Then there were the secrets of national security; that never ending list of things he could tell no one, except maybe his dog Strider when no one was looking. The burden of so many secrets takes a toll on the human soul, and no friend is better suited to keep a secret.

Now everything was FADING TO BLACK.

His mind, that which had brought him to be the 40^th president of the United States of America, was being eaten alive.

Millions of names, faces, dates, cities,

life changing,

world changing events,

speeches,

struggles,

passions,

everything, SLOWLY FADING AWAY.

It was all still there, neatly filed away in the dark recesses of his memory.

But what good is a safe without an accurate combination?

Why have a buried treasure if there is no map?

How useful is a door without a key?

The nagging fear of the future and life without context is what scared him the most. His Alzheimer’s diagnosis was threatening to gut him of his pride, his self worth, his dignity, his everything.

What are you without a recollection of your past and a hope, a plan, for your future?

He’d been a person of deadlines and appointments all his life, scheduled to the minute sometimes. His past was studded with history that filled the textbooks of the world, and now his future, his future yawned ahead of him like an ominous train tunnel with no end. It was a black and unknown void that filled his soul with fear.

 Alzheimer’s would make him timeless in his last days. To live in the moment, that is what we are told to do, right? Don’t worry about the past; don’t get caught up in the hopes of the future; enjoy your life and live in the moment. That is the essence of Alzheimer’s. It’s having the knowledge of the moment and nothing else.

Not to be outdone by the imminent peril of his death sentence, the Great Communicator had yet a few more words to share with the world in his final speech.

He was snapped out of his musings when he was called by the man in the gray suit,

“Sir, you may take the stage now.”

“In closing, let me thank you, the American people, for giving me the great

honor of allowing me to serve as your president.

When the Lord calls me home, whenever that day may be, I will leave with the

greatest love for this country of ours and

eternal optimism for its future.

I now begin the journey that will lead me into the sunset of my life.

There was a tear creeping down his rosy cheek, and his voice caught on a well of emotion, but he maintained his composure as he uttered these powerful words of hope

…I know that for America there will

always be a bright dawn ahead.”

~November 5, 1994

Former US President Ronald Reagan, The Great Communicator

Disclaimer: As with all of my writing, this piece is purely fictional with bits of historical fact scattered throughout. The quotes are cited, everything else is from my imagination and written for the purpose of raising important questions and ideas. 

when you don't get what you want...

Only eight years old playing Barbie's with her sister, but she already had her life planned out for the next 12 years. As she braided long blond Barbie hair she was weaving ideas of her idealisitc future. 

She would be married by the time she was twenty, live in a house with prince charming and raise a family happily ever after. It had all seemed so realistic back then.

After all if you plan things right and live a good Christian life you can get what you want, right?

 “Know that wisdom is like honey for you:

If you find it, there is a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off...

For the evil man has no future hope,

and the lamp of the wicked will be snuffed out.”

~ Proverbs 24:14 and 20

That ideal was fading as she graduated from high school ten years later.

The thought of being married at 20 had lost its appeal.

But she was not a heroine to be easily disheartened. The story of her life was just beginning and the hope of the impending summer and the beginning of college fueled her fantasies of what her life would become within the next four years. She could put behind her mistakes she’d made in the last four years and become the girl she wanted to be in the next four.

“For I know the plans I have for you,”

declares the Lord,

 “plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future.”

~Jeremiah 29:11

The details of those plans were still unknown to her. When the next four years of college turned into the next 6 years of college her heroic spirit was enduring moments of discouragement.

The college graduating class of 2011 seemed to taunt her with their cap and gown pictures on Facebook. The day of her best friend’s wedding had passed with a tang of bitter sweetness.

The world was spinning and big hand on the clock in her living room was ticking round without her.

But she was strong.

The bumps and detours in the road had not extinguished the flame of hope she held on to.

 

As she lay in her bed at night and stared out the open window at the glittering stars she would pray to God and thank Him for the life He had blessed her with, but sometimes she forgot.

No, that’s a lie, she didn’t forget to pray.

Sometimes she didn’t pray on purpose and instead was consumed with her hope and dreams. She was discouraged because things didn’t pan out the way she had anticipated.

She wasn’t getting what she wanted and it confused her. She was a good Christian. She went to church every week and read her Bible so why wasn’t God rewarding her? 

Like everything in life, if you work hard and follow the steps to success you’ll end up on the top…well that’s

what she used to think. As she stared into the infinity of the stars, the awe of God's power and control overwhelmed her and reminded her that life is not about the material success you enjoy. Perspective makes a world of difference and the right perspective was enough to fuel her optimism. Whatever opportunities God decided to give her in life, she would relish and she would do her best to leave the steering up to Him. 

"So we do not lose heart.

Though our outer self is wasting away,

our inner self is being renewed day by day.

For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen.

For the things that are seen are transient,

but the things that are unseen are eternal.”

~2 Corinthians 4:16-18

You don’t have to get what you want.

Sometimes what you want changes,

sometimes it stays the same,

sometimes you do get what you want,

sometimes you enjoy it,

sometimes you regret it.

"If in Christ

we have hope in this life only,

we are of all people

most to be pitied.”

~1 Corinthians 15:19

We, the believers in Christ, have the most reason to hope. Being a Christian doesn’t mean that things go our way if we follow all of the rules. It means we can look past the disappointments of this life and find hope in the promises of Christ.

I don’t know why things work out the way they do.

All I know is that you can’t manipulate God into doing what you want him to do. You can’t even truly know what you want sometimes. The comfort is that God knows what you need and he knows when to give it to you. Be flexible, be willing, and be hopeful because

He has a plan.

“For in this hope we were saved.

Now hope that is seen is not hope.

 For who hopes for what he sees?

But if we hope for what we do not see,

we wait for it with patience.”

~Romans 8:24-25