a blank page

Through my open window I stared at the soft blue light of the moon peering in at me lying restlessly in my bed. There was no breeze tonight. I tossed my sheets off. I’ll just listen to a couple songs on my ipod.

 

I slide my earbuds in and set it to shuffle.

No. Never mind.

I don’t feel like listening after all I guess. I switch it off and shove it off the side of my bed. As I lay staring at the ceiling on night number a little prick in my soul reminded me why I couldn’t fall asleep. But as night number one of ignoring God progressed I excused my neglect of Him as me being exhausted and I finally fell asleep.

“The Light in Me” by Brandon Heath fills my bright sunshiny room.

My life before You I was a flame burning down. I was burning out.

I rub my eyes and glace over at my clock. 

Agh, Monday. 

Time for work.

Night number two of ignoring God I had a legitimate excuse of being tired. It had been a long day at the rink, but I didn’t let that stop me from selecting my favorite playlist on my ipod and tuning God out as I drifted to sleep.

Nights three, four, and five of ignoring God all went by very smoothly. So far God had not struck me down in a car accident, or given me illness, or caused any other calamity whatsoever in my life. 

In fact, He had worked a couple things out in my favor. I was having fun with my friends, getting along with everyone at work, and reading some great books.

Before I knew it over two weeks had gone by without me reading God’s Word.

On night sixteen of ignoring God I found myself heading to bed shortly after nine. What am I doing going to bed this early? I’m not going to fall asleep for another hour.

I know, I’ll just read a chapter in the Bible.

Your face, Lord, I will seek…

Do not reject me or forsake me, God my Savior…

Teach me your way, Lord;

Lead me in a straight path

Because of my oppressors.

Do no turn me over to the desire of my foes,

For false witnesses rise up against me, spouting malicious accusations.

~Psalms 27:9-12

Right.

What have I been doing?

How wicked of me to ignore God.

Here the Psalmist is begging God to lead him in a straight path so that his enemies do not devour him, and what am I doing?

Ignoring Him.

Dumb.

I have not written for a very long time simply because I have not found the inspiration to write about anything. I have started many blogs within the last three weeks only to abandon them to my recycle bin. Blogs about my dear grandmother, the fun things I’ve been doing so far this summer, a movie I went to see with a bunch of friends, a book I had read and found intriguing. These topics were boring me though and I couldn’t find the inspiration to finish any of them.

I see now that my lack of inspiration was due to my lack of nourishment.

I have not been reading the Bible.

This is at the core of my BLANK PAGE.

How could I not be feasting on the Bible every day?

I, who have been a Christian since I could read and spell my own name.

That’s right. I’ve been a Christian my whole life. I am proud of my testimony. It’s squeaky clean, at least compared to some of my friends. I am a good girl. I don’t drink. I don’t party. I don’t do drugs.

I am so holy. So pure. So sanctified...

SO PROUD.

Oh.

It hit me this morning like a punch in the gut.

I was not reading the Bible because I was unhappy with God.

He wasn’t following my expert master plan.

I was reading His word, praying to Him, going to church, following all of the usual steps of manipulation. 

But it wasn't working, and I didn’t like it.

God! If you aren't going to do what I want you to do, then...well…

I’m just not going to pay attention to you anymore.

There.

How do you like that.

Oh my.

I know better than that.

As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are My ways higher than your ways and

My thoughts than your thoughts.

~Isaiah 55:9

I am so sorry God

.

Sorry doesn’t feel like enough though.

Why are you so good to me when I blatantly reject You?

Why do you still love me?

You, the holy, perfect, KING JESUS let me slap you in the face with my rejection time and again.

It’s not fair. It’s not just. Its LOVE.

Unfathomable love that stretches beyond the bounds of reason I will never comprehend.

I endeavor to love you God. I fail, in epic proportions, but I seek Your grace and thank You for your abundant mercy.

I have no idea why, but

I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God;

I trust in God’s unfailing love for ever and ever.

~Psalms 52:8

Thank you Jesus.