Andalucia, Spain Budget Travel Diary

musings of a young girl with a career.

I’ve been searching for my writer’s voice for a long time now. I've been a wedding blogger, a faith blogger, a motivational blogger, a movie review blogger. Anything that captivates my thoughts and interests I have written about.

The only significant thing in my life that I’ve never said anything about is my career. This struck me as especially peculiar. I spend all day, all week doing my job. Some days it challenges me to learn new things, and from it I generate enough money to provide for myself and have quite a bit of fun. It’s really satisfying to talk to people at parties or when I’m getting my hair done at the salon, because when they ask where I work I get to say, “I’m a TV producer."

I’m very proud of what I do. I work hard at it and take a lot of responsibility for the product that I produce. Even so, there are days I feel like my job sounds a thousand times better than it is. I even occasionally feel a pang of envy when I log into Facebook and see old college classmates anchoring evening newscasts. In Sheryl Sandberg’s book “Lean In” she talks about how the work force is no longer a ladder but a jungle gym. Sometimes I see myself swinging along with my peers on the monkey bars. Other times I’m afraid I’ve been laying around in the sandbox by myself for too long. I’m never sure how to describe what it is that I do.

Its odd, after a couple years of answering the “what do you do” question you would think that I would have narrowed it down to the most fascinating power-punch answer. Every time I reply I find myself racking my brain for the coolest possible thing to say. Why do I feel the need to impress? I guess we all want to be accepted. Impressing people is a part of that acceptance process. If we have something interesting that people want then they’re more likely to include us in their lives. So for now, my job is the thing that I use to try to impress people and be accepted.

I’ve made some pretty hairy mistakes and I’ve met some pretty cool people so far. Its been an incredible learning experience to stand by and listen to my boss converse with leaders in every imaginable industry for the last three years. Even more powerful has been my more recent experience of gaining confidence in my voice and ability to have conversations of my own. The morning I got to chat with a female lawyer at a breakfast event was so encouraging. She is the only female partner in her office. "People say you have to choose family or career, as if its a one time choice. But for me I choose each day. One day I choose to spend time with my children after school and the next day I decide to take an extra meeting and work a little late. Each day. That's how I find balance." she explained to me.

 The hours I spend sitting at my desk hammering away at my keyboard all run together. If you look at one particular day or keystroke, it seems insignificant. Once you compile all of those days and all of those keystrokes, they become the story of a girl finding her voice and finding her dreams. Yes, finding dreams. Not just chasing them, because... Dreams are not stationary things that we can set our eyes upon. Rather they are evolving impressions of the things we want.

striking stars and learning lessons

In my work I’ve been blessed to meet more than a handful of famous people. Some are names that everyone knows like Secretary of State Madeleine Albright and NFL legend John Elway. Some of my most favorite star encounters are with the less well known like Ambassador Husain Haqqani or CEO Keryn James. 

On the first week of my internship I was thrown into a world of famous people. We were in Colorado at the Aspen Institute’s Ideas Festival. Speakers gather from around the world to discuss their ideas about current social and economic issues and debate the merits of solutions they conceive. Before we got there my boss opened the conference schedule online started listing the names of who we wanted to interview. I grabbed a pen and started putting notes by each name he mentioned. “Okay," he said, "start making some phone calls now.” What? I must have missed something. He didn’t give me any of their phone numbers. Who has the CEO of Starbucks or the President of Pakistan’s phone number anyways?
What I've learned is that not only can these untouchable people be found and contacted, but most of them will say ‘hi’ to you if you pass them on the sidewalk. My boss’s gregarious demeanor, his vast knowledge and his resume of former show guests encourage people to listen and respond when we invite them to be on the show. He taught me what number to call first and what to say to the gatekeepers to quickly show your competence and get their interest. Mostly what I’ve learned from Aaron is the importance of being nice to everyone. Whether he is greeting a member of the President’s cabinet on the sidewalk or thanking the girl filling the fruit tray at the buffet table, he treats everyone with respect. At first I was so afraid and intimidated by the people we were interviewing. I think it took me a few trips of being ‘star struck’ before I became more comfortable.

 When you walk into a situation feeling less than someone else, it doesn’t matter if that’s true or not. Your impression is what you will act upon. 

 There were a few factors that helped me to be more comfortable. My knowledge of my work and the show helped a lot. Also, the more I was in intimidating situations the more confident I became. But as usual, Aaron made the biggest impression on me. We walked down the path in Aspen one day and spotted a couple people chatting in the shade. I didn’t know either of them but assumed that Aaron did, he knew everyone there. We shook hands, exchanged business cards and Aaron talked with them about some humanitarian project. As we walked away, Aaron said, “Do you know who that was?” No, I replied. “It was actor Stanley Tucci and his fiancée Felicity Blunt.“   They didn’t know either Aaron or I at all. By being friendly we were able to have a nice conversation with them. I learned later that not only did Aaron not know them, but he didn't know half of the people he had been talking to the entire trip.
 Famous people stand around in regular pants and shoes and talk to people about the news while drinking their coffee. If you’re well informed, confident and friendly you can have intelligent conversations with anyone.  

f e l l o w s h i p

Fellowship. What does that mean to you?

Is it talking to the person sitting next to you in church for five minutes before service starts; or maybe going to lunch with some friends from church on Sunday afternoon? Maybe you take fellowship a step deeper and you pray from someone from Sunday school on your way to work Monday morning.

I've been learning over the last few months that true fellowship is so much more. 

“And if I have a faith that can move mountains, 

but do not have love, I am nothing.” 

~1 Cor 13:2

You have to love,

to serve, 

to suffer, 

to laugh, 

share your spiritual gifts, 

share your possessions, 

but before anything else you have to have fellowship with God.

So all the time you spend making meals for the hungry, or singing songs in the choir, or giving money to the poor or having game night with your friends is nothing, actually it’s not even possible without God.

The moment I realized that, it hit me so hard.

I spent over three months learning how I to have better fellowship with my friends and family. I spent a fair amount of that time patting myself on the back, because after all, I did so many good things. And once I found an area that I needed to grow in, I applied myself to it and became a better person! 

I was doing great.

I was pondering my recent spiritual growth late one night, jotting down notes, favorite passages and chapters from the book “True Community” by Jeff Bridges and in review I went to the table of contents for the book and chapter 2 made me stop in my tracks. “Union with God” it said.

And upon realizing my selfish folly and vain self-importance I fell off of my high horse and into the ever forgiving and amazingly understanding Savior. And Jesus reminded me,

“I am the vine; 

you are the branches.

 If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit;

apart from me you can do nothing.” 

~John 15:5

HIS strength in my WEAKNESS

She closed her eyes and drew a deep breath of the sultry summer air. The humidity caused the folds of her ornate maroon gown to cling to her legs and she sat on the palace balcony overlooking the kingdom which was hers. The immense pressure of being Queen weighed on her heart. How she had gotten here she still didn't fully know. It all seemed like a dream; a dream from which she never woke.

Every morning her maids were at her beckoned called to serve her, dress her and brief her on the duties of the day. And her husband, whom she loved with all of her heart, was always gone. The reality of what life would be like as the wife of a king had never occurred to her.

Back in the beginning, the idea of even appearing before His Majesty with the other young maidens of the kingdom had intimidated her. In those early days as the months of her beauty preparations she had seen hundreds of girls rejected and sent away by the king. She always thought that she’d be the next girl to be told to gather her things and leave by the side door. But that fateful year of preparation finally came to an end and her one night with the king had gone better than she ever could have imagined.

Looking back now, she still couldn't believe that the king had chosen her over all of the other beautiful maidens. It gave her a sense of pride and self-worth.  His love for her was certain. How many times he had offered half of his kingdom to her she couldn't count. Never did she doubt his love, but never did she feel fully worthy of it. In her soul, she still feared the man she called husband.

It was that fear that now strangled her heart and caused her lavishly adorned fingers to tremble.

Uncle Mordecai had written her a letter with news that made her feel faint. The Jews, her people, were going to be persecuted, and she, as Queen was their best, their only hope. The blood of thousands of innocent lives would be on her hands, if she couldn't save them. The thought of failure in securing the kings favor was crippling.  

She had not been open with her husband. She feared for her life. He was a strong king and a hard ruler. And Esther had read the history books filled with stories of many a Persian queen who had found herself headless when on the wrong side of their king.

Through the years of their marriage so many times she had wanted to tell him the truth about her heritage, but in her heart she lacked trust. The stakes of trusting King Xerxes to love her enough to accept her Jewish roots were too high.

But now she had been pushed into a corner. She could no longer cower in the dark and hope against all hopes that the storm would pass. She had to turn and face her fear, the fear of certain death.

She didn't know what made her rise to meet her fate. An imperceptible force seemed to be pushing her closer to the king’s chambers as her feet, heavy as clay stones, glided silently along the alabaster palace floors.

She knew it could only be her heavenly Father. Fasting and prayer for the last two days had made her physically weak so that should could only lie in her bed and weep to God. As she approached the guarded doors to the banquet hall time stopped. Glimpses of her childhood flashed through her mind like strikes of lighting. Countless memories of the times she’d spent with her Aunt and Uncle studying the writings of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob brought strength and purpose to her heart. What could be more holy calling? Of all his beloved peoples, God had chosen her and she felt His strength so powerful in her weakness.

“I can do all things through Him who strengthens me”  

~Phil 4:13

And with a faith that could move mountains she shoved open the doors and went to do what God had called her to do.

“…so the king and Haman went to Queen Esther’s banquet, and as they were drinking wine on the second day, the king again asked, “Queen Esther, what is your petition? It will be given to you. What is your request? Even up to half the kingdom, it will be granted.” 

Then Queen Esther answered, 

“If I have found favor with you, Your Majesty, and if it pleases you, grant me my life – this is my petition. And spare my people – this is my request. For I and my people have been sold to be destroyed, killed and annihilated. If we had merely been sold as male and female slaves, I would have kept quiet, because no such distress would justify disturbing the king.”

~Esther 7:1-4

“Esther again pleaded with the king, falling at his feet and weeping. She begged him to put an end to the evil plan of Haman the Agagite, which he had devised against the Jews. Then the king extended the gold scepter to Esther and she arose and stood before him. Then the king extended the gold scepter to Esther and she arose and stood before him. If it pleases the king, she said, and if he regards me with favor and thinks it the right thing to do, and if he is pleased with me, let an order be written overruling the dispatches that Haman son of Hammedatha, the Agagite, devised and wrote to destroy the Jews in all the king’s provinces. For how can I bear to see disaster fall on my people? How can I bear to see the destruction of my family?’” 

~Esther 8:3-6

"Now write another decree in [my] the king’s name in behalf of the Jews as seems best to you [Esther], and seal it with the king’s signet ring – for no document written in the king’s name and sealed with his ring can be revoked…”

“At once the royal secretaries were summoned – 

on the twenty-third day of the third month, the month of Sivan. 

They wrote out all Mordecai’s orders to the Jews, and to the satraps, governors and nobles of the 127 provinces… 

When Mordecai left the king’s presence, he was wearing royal garments of blue and white, a large crown of gold and a purple robe of fine linen. 

And the city of Susa held a joyous celebration…

~Esther 8:8-9, 15

And so Esther of Susa, 
meek and unimportant, 
was called by God 
and empowered with His strength 
to save her people 
the Jews. 

Don't let YOUR situation or circumstances 
dictate what you can or cannot do because, 

"Nothing is impossible with God." ~Luke 1:32

woman of GOD

She almost didn't recognize the reflection she saw in her vanity. 

Her long dark hair was intricately braided and adorned with little jewels. The glow in her cheeks turned them a soft pink and the anticipation of the night shone in her eyes like fire.

It had been a long journey leading up to this night. It would be a year ago tomorrow that she had been summoned. How differently she viewed life and love now. When she first came to this place she had been so naïve, and frightened. In her homesickness she had cried herself to sleep every night for the first month.

Everything here had been so strange to her back then. The splendor and majesty had intimidated her. 

She knew that she wasn't alone in her feelings. Sometimes when the night breeze played with the chiffon curtains she could hear the soft whimpering of another girl in a room down the hall. At first, hearing the pitiful sobs of a fellow lonely soul would stir her own feelings of abandonment and bring fresh tears to her big brown eyes. But as the months passed the tears stopped flowing so easily. 

It was so strange that they were all here trying to compete for the affection of one man. How humbling it was spending days upon end with scores of beautiful women all eager to please the same King...and only one would be named his Queen. One of hundreds would feel honor and distinction; her peers would feel the bitter pang of rejection.

Tonight was the night she’d been preparing for these long twelve months. 

All of the beauty treatments, the pampering, the careful diets, regimented schedule, etiquette education, everything had been building up to this moment.  

As terrifying as this moment was, she had the peace of God in her heart. Jehovah had brought her to this apex in her life. He would carry her through. 

She was confident of that. But her heart quickened and a pang of fear gripped her pure heart when she heard the tapping of footsteps against the cold stone palace floor.

“Esther of Susa, the King is ready for you.”

She still started at that name. Esther. It was the woman she had become in this year. Where was the timid girl Hadassah that had come here so many sleepless nights ago?

What if the King did not find her suitable? Then all would be for naught. Dwelling on these thoughts had robbed her of her confidence. No matter, the time was now. She would sink or soar and she trusted her fate to the Father of her people.

With a deep breath, she adjusted her necklace with a trembling hand and rose to follow the King’s aide to the very chambers of the King of Persia.

“Now when the turn came for Esther the daughter of Abihail the uncle of Mordecai, who had taken her as his daughter, to go in to the king, she requested nothing but what Hegai the king’s eunuch, the custodian of the women, advised. 

And Esther obtained favor in the sight of all who saw her. So Esther was take to King Ahasuerus, into his royal palace, in the tenth month, which is the month of Tebeth, 

in the seventh year of his reign. 

The king loved Esther more than all the other women and she obtained grace and favor in his sight more than all the virgins; so he set the royal crown upon her head and made her queen instead of Vashti. Then the king made a great feast,

 the Feast of Esther, for all his officials and servants; and he proclaimed a holiday in the provinces and gave gifts according to the generosity of a king.”

~Esther 2:15-18

cries of David

All day the hot Middle Eastern sun had beaten down on the barren terrain like a 

fire scorching the bottom of a kettle. 

From the rising to the setting of the Israeli sun, the vastness of the desert seemed uninhabitable and devoid of life. The forced quiet that the hot summer day brought upon the people of the land seemed like a hateful display of the power it held over of their lives. No one dared venture out during the middle of the day, lest they scald the soles of their feet.

The contrast of that eerie daytime quiet to the 

perfect silence of the night struck David as he sat on a rock looking over his flock.

A blanket of coolness swept across the land and whispered in the breeze. This was his favorite time of day. As he glanced across the grazing sheep looking out for the danger that lurked around every tree his mind went wild. He’d worry about his sheep, remembering the lamb that he’d lost to that bear last week. How thoughtless he had been to let that happen. It hurt him to think that little creature had suffered due to his own negligence.

He worried about his friend, dear Jonathan. 

What most people probably thought was the charmed life of a Prince was really not. Few people understood the pressure that poor Jonathan felt from his father the King.

Those and a million other worries would start pooling up in his mind. These worries would start like a slow drip of water falling into the depths of a well. As they hit the bottom, each drip would resonate louder than the first until all David could hear was the echoing of a thousand anxious worries.

It was times like this that David yearned for good advice. Who could tell him how to be there for his friend Jonathan?

As he searched the shadows for wild animals that threatened he and his sheep, he yearned to have a Shepherd watching over him.

And after fretting and mulling things over in his troubled heart David would finally call out to God in Heaven.

“Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink; deliver me from those who hate me, from the deep waters. Do not let the flood waters engulf me or the depths swallow me up or the pit close its mouth over me. Answer me, LORD, out of the goodness of your love; in your great mercy turn to me. Do not hide your face from your servant; answer me quickly, for I am in trouble. Come near and rescue me; deliver me because of my foes.”

~Psalm 69:14-18

And then, out of nowhere, a peace would come over him, like a blanket wrapped around a shivering child. The peace of God would hold his heart with a strength and love that took his breath away. And he would cry out to the Father again,

 “As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more… Since my youth, God, you have taught me, and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds. Even when I am old and gray do not forsake me, my God… Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths  Of the earth your will again bring me up… My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you – I whom you have delivered.”

~Psalm 70:14, 17, 18, 20, 23

With a heart full of peace he’d look up at the myriads of stars and he’d wonder at majesty that God displayed in the skies. To think that such an awesome and powerful God loved him and cared for his woes overwhelmed him.

“Praise be to the LORD God, the God of Israel, who alone does marvelous deeds. 

Praise be to his glorious name forever; may the whole earth be filled with his glory. 

Amen and Amen.

~Psalm 72:18-19